Chapter 28

 What happened to Candide, Cunégonde, Pangioss, Martin, et cetera

'Forgive me, Reverend Father,' said Candide to the Baron, 'forgive me, once again, for running you through with my sword'. – 'Let us say no more about it,' said the Baron. 'I was a little too sharp myself, I admit. But since you want to know how you came to find me rowing in a galley, I will tell you. After being cured of my wounds by the brother apothecary at the Jesuit college, I was set upon and abducted by a Spanish raiding party; I was put in prison in Buenos Aires just as my sister was leaving Buenos Aires; I asked to be allowed to return to Rome, to be with the Superior General; from there I was appointed chaplain to the French Ambassador to Constantinople. Not a week after I had taken up my duties, I happened one evening to meet a young and rather good-looking icoglan. [1] It was extremely hot weather: the young man wanted to bathe; I took the opportunity to bathe as well. I was not aware that it was a capital offence for a Christian to be found stark naked with a young Muslim. A cadi [2] sentenced me to a hundred strokes on the soles of the feet, and sent me to the galleys. I don't suppose there has ever been a more flagrant miscarriage of justice. But what concerns me right now is why my sister is working in the kitchens of a Transylvanian sovereign in exile in Turkey?'

'But you, my dear Pangloss,' said Candide, 'how does it come about that I sec you again?' – 'It is true that you saw me hanged,' said Pangloss. 'Properly speaking I should have been burned alive, but – as you will recall – it began to pour with rain just as they were about to roast me: the downpour was so violent that they despaired of lighting the fire, and I was hanged for want of anything better; a surgeon bought my body, took it home and started dissecting me. First he made a cross-shaped incision, from the navel to the collar-bone. However, I had been poorly hanged: no one could have had a worse hanging. The executioner charged with carrying out the orders of the Holy Inquisition was a sub-deacon who roasted people to perfection, as it happens, but was not used to hanging them: the rope was wet, it would not slip through properly, and it was poorly knotted. In short, I was still breathing afterwards; the cross-shaped incision made me scream so loudly that the surgeon fell backwards; and, thinking he must be dissecting the devil in person. [3] he fled in mortal panic, only to fall downstairs in his haste. At this commotion his wife came running from the next room: she saw me stretched out on the table with my cross-shaped incision, was even more terrified than her husband, fled likewise and fell on top of him. When they had recovered their wits a little, I heard the surgeon's wife say to the surgeon: 'What on earth possessed you, my dear, to dissect a heretic? Don't you know that the devil takes up permanent residence in these people? I am going to fetch a priest right now, to exorcize this one.' I shuddered at these words, summoned what little strength I had left and cried out: 'Have mercy on me!' In the end this Portuguese barber [4] took his courage in both hands and sewed me up. His wife even nursed me; I was back on my feet in a fortnight. The barber found me a situation as valet to a Knight of the Order of Malta who was going to Venice; but as my new master could not afford to pay my wage, I entered the service of a Venetian merchant and followed him to Constantinople.'

'One day I took it into my head to enter a mosque; it was deserted except for an old imam and a rather pretty young devotee who was saying her paternosters; her throat was uncovered, and between her breasts she wore an attractive posy of tulips, roses, anemones, buttercups, hyacinths and primroses; she dropped the posy; I picked it up, and returned it to her with the most respectful attentions. I took so long in adjusting it that the imam flew into a rage, and, realizing I was a Christian, called out for help. [5] 'I was taken to the cadi, who sentenced me to a hundred strokes of the lath on the sales of my feet and sent me to the galleys. I was chained up in the very same galley and on the very same row as Monsieur the Baron. In our galley were four young men from Marseilles, five Neapolitan priests and two monks from Corfu, who told us that this sort of thing happens all the time. Monsieur the Baron kept maintaining that he had suffered a greater injustice than I; while I maintained that it was far more acceptable to replace a posy on a woman's bosom than to be found stark naked with an icoglan. We argued the whole time and received twenty lashes a day, until the chain linking the events of this great universe led you to our galley, and you ransomed us.'

'Now tell us this, my dear Pangloss,' said Candide. 'While you were being hanged, and dissected, and beaten, and made to row in a galley, did you continue to believe that all was for the best?' – 'I hold firmly to my original views,' replied Pangloss. 'I am a philosopher after all: it would not do for me to recant, given that Leibniz is incapable of error, and that pre-established harmony [6] is moreover the finest thing in the world – not to speak of the plenum and the materia subtilis.’ [7]

Chapter 29

 How Candide was reunited with Cunégonde and the old woman

While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin and Cacambo were describing their adventures, and disputing as to whether the events in this universe are contingent or non-contingent, [1] and arguing about effects and causes, moral evil and physical evil, free will and necessity, not to mention the consolations to be found aboard a Turkish galley, they reached the shores of the Propontide, close by the house of the Prince of Transylvania. The first thing they saw was Cunégonde and the old woman, who were hanging towels out to dry on a line.

The Baron turned pale at the sight. Candide, the tender lover, on seeing his beautiful Cunégonde all weather-beaten, her eyes bloodshot, her breasts sunken, her cheeks lined, her arms red and chapped, was seized with horror; he recoiled three paces, then advanced out of sheer good manners. She embraced Candide and her brother; they embraced the old woman; Candide ransomed the pair of them.

There was a small holding in the neighborhood: the old woman suggested to Candide that he avail himself of it for the time being, until the fortunes of their whole company should improve. Cunégonde was unaware of how ugly she had become, no one having told her. She now reminded Candide of his promises, and in so peremptory a fashion that the good Candide did not dare to refuse her. So he informed the Baron of his intention to marry his sister. 'Never,' said the Baron, 'will I tolerate such baseness on her part, nor such insolence on yours. Never shall I be reproached with condoning this infamous union: my sister's children would be unable to show their faces in the Chapters [2] of Germany. No, my sister shall never marry unless it be a baron of the Empire.' Cunégonde threw herself at his feet and bathed them with her tears: he was inflexible. – 'You absolute ass,' said Candide. 'I have rescued you from the galleys; I have paid for your freedom; I have paid for your sister's freedom. She was washing dishes here; she is ugly; I have the goodness to make her my wife, and still you presume to oppose it! I would kill you all over again were I to give way to my anger!' – 'You may kill me all over again,' said the Baron, 'but you will never marry my sister while I am alive.'

Chapter 30

 Of a supper that Candide and Martin ate in the company of six strangers, and who they were

At the bottom of his heart, Candide had no desire to marry Cunégonde; but the outrageous impertinence of the Baron determined him to go through with the ceremony, and Cunégonde was urging him on so keenly that he could not retract. He consulted with Pangloss and Martin and the faithful Cacambo. Pangloss wrote an excellent paper in which he proved that the Baron had no authority over his sister, and that all the laws of Empire permitted her to marry Candide with her left hand. [1] Martin was all for throwing the Baron into the sea; Cacambo argued that he should be returned to the Levantine captain and put back in the galleys; after which he should be sent back to the Superior General in Rome by the first available ship. Everyone thought this was very sound advice. The old woman approved it; not a word was said to the Baron's sister; the thing was carried out with the help of a little money, and they had the double satisfaction of duping a Jesuit and punishing the pride of a German baron.

It would be altogether natural to suppose that Candide, after so many disasters, would henceforth lead the most agreeable of possible existences – married at last to his mistress, living with the philosopher Pangloss, the philosophical Martin, the prudent Cacambo, the old woman – having moreover brought back all those diamonds from the land of the ancient Incas. But he had been swindled so many times by Jews that all he had left in the end was his little farm; his wife, growing uglier by the day, had become shrewish and insufferable; the old woman was infirm and even more ill-tempered than Cunégonde. Cacambo, who worked the land and went into Constantinople to sell their vegetables, was worn out with toil and cursed his lot. Pangloss was in despair at not being able to shine at some German university. As for Martin, he was firmly persuaded that people are equally miserable wherever they are; he took things as they came. Occasionally Candide, Martin and Pangloss discussed metaphysics and morals. Often they saw ships through the windows of the farmhouse, bearing effendis, pashas and cadis [2] who were being exiled to Lemnos, or to Mitylene, or to Erzerum. Then they would see more cadis, more pashas and more effendis arriving to take the place of those who had been expelled, and themselves being expelled in turn. They could see heads neatly stuffed with straw being taken to be displayed before the Sublime Porte. [3] Such sights gave renewed heat to their discussions; but when they were not arguing the boredom was so extreme that one day the old woman ventured to remark: 'I should like to know which is worse: to be raped a hundred times by negro pirates, and have a buttock cut off, and run the gauntlet of the Bulgars, and be flogged and hanged in an auto-da-fé, and be dissected, and have to row in a galley – in short, to undergo all the miseries we have each of us suffered – or simply to sit here and do nothing?' – 'That is a hard question,' said Candide.

This speech gave rise to new speculations, and Martin in particular came to the conclusion that man was born to endure either the convulsions of anxiety or the lethargy of boredom. Candide did not agree with this, but he did not press the point. Pangloss conceded that he had suffered horribly, all his life, but having once maintained that everything was going splendidly he would continue to do so, while believing nothing of the kind.

Then something occurred that confirmed Martin in his detestable principles, made Candide hesitate more than ever, and further embarrassed Pangloss. This was when they saw Paquette and Brother Girofleo approaching their farm one day, in the last extremes of human misery. They had soon got through their three thousand piastres, left each other, been reconciled, quarrelled, been thrown in prison, escaped, and finally Brother Girofleo had turned Turk. Paquette continued to ply her trade wherever she went, but no longer earned anything by it. 'Just as I predicted,' said Martin to Candide. 'I knew that the money you gave them would soon be gone, and would only make them more wretched. As for you and Cacambo, you have squandered millions of piastres and are no happier than Brother Girofleo and Paquette.' – 'Aha!' said Pangloss to Paquette, 'so heaven brings you back here amongst us, my poor child! Are you aware that you cost me the end of my nose, and an eye, and an ear? And now look at the state of you, eh? What a world it is!' This new turn of events set them to philosophizing more than ever.

There lived in the neighbourhood a celebrated dervish, [4] who was said to be the greatest philosopher in Turkey; they went to consult him; Pangloss acted as spokesman, and asked him: 'Master, we have come to beg you to tell us why so curious a creature as man was ever created.' 'And what has it to do with you?' answered the dervish. 'Is it any business of yours?' – 'But surely, Reverend Father,' said Candide, 'there is a dreadful amount of evil in the world.' – 'And what does it matter,' said the dervish, 'if there is evil or if there is good? When His Highness the Sultan sends a ship to Egypt, does he worry whether the mice on board are comfortable or not?' [5] – 'So what must we do?' said Pangloss. – 'Keep your mouth shut,' [6] said the dervish. – 'I flattered myself,' said Pangloss, 'that you and I might have a little discussion about effects and causes, about the best of possible worlds, the origin of evil, the nature of the soul, pre-established harmony ...' – At which the dervish slammed the door in their faces.

During this conversation news had spread that two viziers of the divan, together with the mufti, [7] had been strangled in Constantinople, and several of their allies impaled. This catastrophe caused a great stir everywhere for several hours. On their way back to their little farm, Pangloss, Candide and Martin met a worthy old man who was taking the air at his door, beneath a shady bower of orange-trees. Pangloss, who liked gossip as much as he liked argument, asked him the name of the mufti who had just been strangled. 'I have no idea,' replied the old man. ‘I have never known the name of a single mufti or vizier. I know absolutely nothing of the events you describe; I assume as a matter of course that those who get involved in political affairs often come to a bad end, and that they deserve to; but I never inquire about what goes on in Constantinople; I am happy enough sending the fruits of my garden to be sold there.' Having said this, he invited the strangers into his house; his two daughters and two sons served them various home-made sorbets, some kaimak spiced with candied citron peel, oranges, lemons, limes, pineapples and pistachios, and some mocha coffee unadulterated by inferior blends from Batavia and the islands. [8] After this the two daughters of this good Muslim scented the beards of Candide, Pangloss and Martin.

'You must have a vast and magnificent estate,' said Candide to the Turk. – 'I have but twenty acres,' replied the Turk. 'I cultivate them with my children; our work keeps at bay the three great evils: boredom, vice, and necessity.'

Back on his little farm, Candide reHected deeply on the words of the Turk. He said to Pangloss and Martin: 'That worthy old man seems to have created for himself an existence far preferable to that of the six kings with whom we had the honour of dining.' – 'Rank and titles,' said Pangloss, 'are often dangerous, as all the philosophers agree: witness Eglon, King of the Moabites, who was assassinated by Ehud; Absalom was hanged by his hair and stabbed in the heart with three spears; King Nadab, son of Jeroboam, was killed by Baasha; King Elah by Zimri; Jehoram by Jehu; Athaliah by Jehoiada; and the Kings Jehoiakim, Jehoiachin and Zedekiah were all sold into captivity. [9] And you will recall in what manner death came for Croesus, Astyages, Darius, Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus, Perseus, Hannibal, Jugurtha, Ariovistus, Caesar, Pompey, Nero, Otho, Vitellius, Domitian, [10] Richard II of England, Edward II, Henry VI, Richard III, Mary Stuart and Charles I, [11] not to mention the three Henris of France and the Emperor Henry IV. [12] And you must also know .. .' – 'All I know,' said Candide, 'is that we must cultivate our garden.' – 'You are right,' said Pangloss, 'for when man was placed in the garden of Eden, he was put there ut operaretur eum, [13] so that he might work: which proves that man was not born for rest.' – 'Let us set to work and stop proving things,' said Martin, 'for that is the only way to make life bearable.'

The little society all entered into this laudable plan; each began to exercise his talents. The small farm yielded a great deal. True, Cunégonde was still very ugly, but she became an excellent pastry-chef; Paquette embroidered; the old woman took care of the laundry. Everyone made himself useful, including Brother Girofleo, who was a first-rate carpenter [14] became quite good company. Sometimes Pangloss would say to Candide: 'All events form a chain in this, the best of all possible worlds. After all, had you not been expelled from a beautiful castle with great kicks to the behind for the love of Mademoiselle Cunégonde, and had you not been turned over to the Inquisition, and had you not roamed America on foot, and had you not run the Baron through with a fine thrust of your sword, and had you not lost all your sheep from the good land of Eldorado, you would not be sitting here now eating candied citron and pistachios.' – 'That is well said,' replied Candide, 'but we must cultivate our garden.’ [15]


Chapter 28
[1] A young boy raised in the Sultan's seraglio with a view to fulfilling high functions in the Turkish state.
[2] A judge.
[3] The superstitious barber imagines that the shape of the cross has roused the devils in possession of the body of this heretic.
[4] Traditionally, barbers also practised surgery. In the early eighteenth century French surgeons finally freed themselves from their humiliating association with the Barbers' Guild.
[5] The scene is compound fabrication: Christians were not allowed inside mosques; Islamic law moreover forbade the simultaneous presence of men and women in a mosque (or any form of décolletage).
[6] The most generally known aspect of Leibniz's philosophy: the monads of which the Leibnizian universe is composed are spiritual entities; they cannot 'observe' the world - are 'windowless' - but they 'reflect' it, by virtue of a correspondence which God has established between them, hence 'pre-established' harmony; Leibniz's theory is here evoked explicitly, for the first time in the conte, as the philosophy of Optimism.
[7] Two characteristic elements of Cartesian metaphysics: the universe as a system of vortices consisting of ethereal fluid (materia subtilis). which support and transport all matter inside a plenum - a cosmos 'full' of matter, with no empty spaces, since Leibniz denied the possibility of a vacuum. Both concepts are required for the operations of optimistic determinism, and are refuted by Newton (and mocked by Voltaire) in favour of a lucid void ordered by the operations of gravitational law.

Chapter 29
[1] A traditional distinction in logic, whereby events are either contingent (may happen) or non-contingent (must happen).
[2] Assemblies of military and religious dignitaries and orders of nobility.

Chapter 30
[1] i.e., conclude a morganatic marriage, whereby a prince could marry beneath him without bestowing his goods or title upon his partner or offspring.
[2] Turkish dignitaries, governors and judges.
[3] The gate of the Sultan's palace.
[4] Member of a religious brotherhood; Voltaire elsewhere compares dervishes to mendicant friars.
[5] Voltaire had employed the image in his correspondence: 'With regard to events in the north of Germany, I think we are no better informed than the mice as to the intentions of those who steer the ship' (9 November 1757).
[6] In the manuscript, the dervish's advice begins: 'Cultivate your land, drink, eat, sleep and [keep your mouth shutl.·
[7] Two ministers (viziers) of the Turkish council of state (the divan), as well as the principle religious dignitary of Constantinople (the mufti).
[8] Indonesia and the East Indies.
[9] Examples from the Old Testament.
[10] Examples from the history of Greece and Rome.
[11] Examples from English history: Ed\vard II (1284-1327: King 1307-27) was deposed from the throne and murdered in captivity; Henry VI (1421-71; King 1422-61, 1470-71) was dethroned by his rival Edward TV and died , prohahly murdered, in captivity; Richard III (J452-X5: King 1483-5) was killed at the battle of Bosworth Field; Mar), Stuart, known as Mary Queen of Scots (1542-87), was executed on the orders of Elizabeth I; Charles I (1600-1649; King 1625-49) was deposed by the Parliamentary forces led by Oliver Cromwell and was later executed.
[12] 'The three Henris' were Kings of France: Henri II (1519- 59: King 1547-59) was killed in a tournament; Henri III (1551-89: King 1574-R9) and Henri IV (1553-1610; King 1589-1610) were assassinated. Henri IV (1°5°- 1106), Holy Roman Emperor ([05h-1 (06), died in exile.
[13] Genesis 2:15 (in the Latin Vulgate translation): 'And the Lord took the man. and put him into the garden of Eden, to dress it and to keep it.'
[14] In the manuscript Voltaire had initially described Girofleo as a first-rate 'tapestry-maker' (tapissier).
[15] 'Garden': plot of land. Gustave Flauhert commented on the conclusion: The end of Candide is for me incontrovertihle proof of genius of the first order; the stamp of the master is in that laconic conclusion, as stupid as life itself.'